It's taken a few months. At 4:00 that night, I awoke with the desire to demolish everything. Furniture, dishes, books, walls, fragile items or fine, the new, the old memories. Reduce to bits until there are more of us. More than you. Nothing. Never again.
I was not home. It is urgent. I crawled through the back door. I ran to the park like a stoned me bleeding lungs and weeping of the bile.
When I was there, I pulled everything I could to beat everything I've found, trees, flowers, nature, concrete, metal studs. And if I could catch something live, I would have liked. Tear the wings, legs. Popping eyes. Hurt.
The bulk of the crisis is over, I went through turmoil in chopping wood, throw rocks or branches in the water or anywhere. With a stick, I struck at random. I spilled what was overturned on the walk piétonière.
I met a man with his dog. He greeted me. The dog was afraid. Me too. Do not provoke. For not killed on the spot. Instinct.
The dog looked away. I breathed.
A little later, I found a dead snake covered with ants. I crushed his head with my foot. Liquid sound. The ants were crawling over the corpse and returned. I had a chill.
...
I do not know at what stage of grief is anger. I would bet that I do things in order. It's chaos. This is normal. Trees thank you, thank you dog, snake, ants. Excuse me, I was full of molten lead. It was time. And we avoided making worse.
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